Hi Amy

Im sorry you are having such a hard time. I agree with your comments though re the term diabulimia. An eating disorder is an eating disorder, its just that the tools to control it vary IMO. Withholding food, throwing up or withholding insulin are just one and the same in terms of the psychological process I feel. Its all about control, and fear, tied in with how seductive it is (to start with) losing weight and the attention you get from this either from family/others.

Add to this the fact that for people trying to control their diabetes that much of your day is spent obsessing about food - what to eat, when to eat, what it will do when you eat, then its any wonder that you throw it all together, with a bit of family problems or self esteem issues, or a horrible comment from a boy you like, or ANYTHING, then bam! - ready made eating disorder.

Most of the ladies,and probably men too, on this forum have dieted, are dieting, or feel they need to diet. Just check out the weight loss thread and see how delighted people are when they lose weight. This is of course natural, there are both vanity and health reasons for this (health ones esp for diabetics) but can its easy to see the connection between mh and weight/eating

In my own case, I have always watched my weight, lost very little before dx (though I was dieting for my hols -again LOL), but lost more when i started cutting the carbs. Twas only 5lbs or so but everyone was horrified. Having been a dieter for half my adult life, lots of people commented on how i was 'cut out' to be a diabetic.  Cruel, but true.

Its no coincidence that since Ive put this back on (bloody insulin and cream in my coffee!) everyone thinks I am looking 'well'. Am I pleased Ive put it back on?

Am I bugger.

However, my fear of complications is greater than my fear of putting weight on/being ill so I dont anticipated sliding into the abyss, and its that control and choice that seperates me from someone with a genuine eating disorder.

Lib

thank you for being so understanding,this is something iv been dealing(or not so) for many years spurred on by my depression which iv suffered from since as long as i care to remember( also a common factor in diabetics) i have spent 11 months in an ED unit,and do have a good community health service yet things seem to be slipping backwards,after i got discharged from hospital i thoughtt' i will never manipulate my insulin to lose weight again,if ido want i will do it through diet and careful exercise.'it did not become long untill i was the grips of things again. recently i have been making a real effort tho and what seems petty to others is a major achievement to me,such as iv had breakfast(with insulin) for all week this week so that is good and i am having my longlasting insulin in the morning now,which is easier then the evening after 'a day of food'.
iv really only recently switched to 4 injections i was on 2 which was the mixed insulin,which only 2 jabs is so so much harder when decidningwhen.what to eat plus it is slightly easier to inject a few units per meal instead of a big dose all in one go. i do now think more about what i am doing long term altho it is hard with the depression when your thinking'actually i dont care either way' but soon i hope to move out,and since leaving hospital iv stareted volunteering at a preschool,and now hope to do a course in it and get qualifications,so i know for this i HAVE to be able to concentrate and have enough energy so spurs me on.plus im in a situation where i want to prove my family wrong by showing i CAN do it weather they choose to help me or not(not is most likely)
ps did they show that supersize episode cos i was looking out for it and seemed to miss that one??

Quoted from leanne Bury

I hardly ever take my insulin , i hate it, i love not being hungry , n its a tool that i knw many people use, its sad to say bt even tho i knw all of the complications, i still do it...

i find the higher my bloodsugar tho the more'hungry' i get (not real hunger i have learnt more immence cravings)

Amy, i'm like you...... when my bg is high, i feel hungrier than i would normally, and in turn, i tend to eat foods that aren't the best choice for me

i am currently being treated for Major Unipolar Depressive Disorder, and i'm on disability thru work for that............ i hope that i get well enough to return to work, and the sooner the better

i can't tell you how many hours i've had in counselling with the therapist, group counselling, group lectures, all of which are designed to assist people with clinical depression

while i'm no longer seeing a therapist, i still see the psych Dr and get my med refills thru him

it really throws a spanner into your life to have these issues to deal with

and, unfortunately, most people don't seem to understand that i have an illness, it's not a matter of me needing to 'pull my socks up', if it were that easy, i would have DONE IT BY NOW!

sigh

please, come and talk to us and vent when you need to, let us know how you are doing, and may i congratulate you for taking your breakfast insulin each day this week! that's a step in the right direction

not sure if this relates at all, are you using a pen or a syringe for your insulin? i know that taking insulin has become a non-issue with the use of the pen............ i can't believe that i waited as many years as i did before i changed to the pen!

One thing that *might* happen, now you are on a proper basal/bolus regime your control should become a lot easier and you may find some of what you think of as "causes" may turn out to be symptoms of your out of control BG. There are a lot of feedback loops involved between "mental" and "physical" stuff

weld def morning dose helps during day ut i do'binge' quite alot,tho tis evei feel likedying anyway

sory keybord is rubish

Amy, just thinking out loud here......

you can get a 'port' that you insert once every 3 days, and you inject your insulin into this 'port'

would having a port make it easier for you to take your shots?

again, just thinking out loud....... wondering if this might help

Hi sweetpea
You are doing well so far, dont give up just yet. If you are binging and feeling rubbish, just go to bed, put and end to this rubbish day and wake up ready to start again tomorrow
Baby steps - take basal insulin first, then eat a bit, then take bolus. just a bit at a time ,you will get there

x

just feel shit this eve. i want  get  beter i want to get rid of diabetes ths will never happen. why me? what did ido?   i was only 11. i just of been   so so evil in my past life. there is so much worse then diabetes but iv never excepted it. i should but why me??

i wish someone  was with me x

Amy
((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hope you feel a bit better this morning. Do you not have someone you can talk to about this in 'real' life? Its better than torturing yourself in the wee small hours
In my experience the wee small hours are the worst when you  are feeling bad.
Just a thought, but are there forums with chat rooms you could log into (USA forums maybe, given the time difference) then you might not feel alone late at night

Its rubbish having diabetes and its hard to think about the people who are 'worse off' than you when you are feeling down, because there are people 'better off' than you too. But, and I know you know this, you didnt do anything to get it. Neither did I, or anyone on this forum. I was almost catatonic, in between sobbing non stop for about 2 days after I was diagnosed (in hospital). No one in my family has it, and I dont consider myself to be an evil person. Im not Mother Theresa but.............. Maybe in a past life I was bad - but next life Im coming back as a very rich international film star, without diabetes. Until then though.

I wont preach about all the other bad stuff out there because to be honest knowing that there are people with imminent life threatening illnesses dont actually make me feel any better when Im down because although my brain 'knows it, my 'heart' doesnt - if you see what I mean. All you can do for now is take one day at a time.

Dont terrify yourself about what might happen if you dont control it in the long term. Just focus on a bits you can cope with for now - taking insulin on a day by day basis.

x

Amy

If you want to chat there is usually someone in our chat until midnight.  You'd be most welcome.

thank you and sorry i was having a 'me me me' evening and feeling sorry for myself. not healthy!

Don't apologise, Amy. Sometimes a short burst of feeling sorry for oneself and a good night's sleep can be just what's needed to feel ready to take on the world again. Especially if you have someone to listen when you do feel down.